Here’s how you execute the perfect real estate scam across millennia:
Step 1: The Original Grift (2000 BCE)
Abraham, some tribal leader from Mesopotamia, shows up in already-inhabited Canaan claiming his sky-god told him to take the place. Even his own book admits he’s a “resident alien” (Genesis 23:4) who has to buy burial plots from the actual owners – the Canaanites who’d been there for 1,000+ years already (Genesis 12:6).
Classic con: “God told me your house is mine.”
Step 2: The Multigenerational Marketing Campaign
Spend centuries telling your descendants about the “promised land” while:
- Living as minorities among the people you claim to replace
- Losing control repeatedly
- Getting kicked out by Babylonians
- Fleeing to Egypt when things get tough
Step 3: The Egyptian Detour Goes Wrong
After generations in Egypt, things turn sour. Time to dust off great-great-great-grandpa Abraham’s real estate fantasy.
Moses (if he existed): “Remember that story about the land God promised us? Let’s go take it by force from whoever’s living there now.”
Step 4: The Sinai Stall
Spend 40 years wandering in circles in the desert because apparently the Almighty’s GPS was broken. Perfect time to embellish the Abraham stories and add some divine conquest theology.
Step 5: The Military Solution
Joshua: “Screw negotiation. God wants genocide. Kill everyone already living there – men, women, children, livestock (1 Samuel 15:3). Divine ethnic cleansing is the plan.”
The Modern Sequel (1948-2024)
After a 2,000-year gap, descendants show up with tanks and F-16s claiming the same Bronze Age real estate deed still applies.
The Palestinian families farming olive groves their ancestors planted?
“Sorry, our imaginary friend from 4,000 years ago says this is ours now.”
The Evidence Gap
Archaeological reality: No mass Exodus, no conquest, gradual settlement
Genetic evidence: Palestinians have more Canaanite DNA than most Israelis
Historical fact: The “promised land” was promised to someone else’s homeland
The Bottom Line
It’s the longest-running real estate fraud in human history: Bronze Age fairy tales compiled 2,400 years ago to justify modern genocide against people who never left their 5,000-year-old homeland.
Abraham was a land-grabbing immigrant with good marketing.
Moses was a military leader with divine branding.
Modern Israel is colonial occupation with religious packaging.
Next week: How to commit genocide with American tax dollars and biblical footnotes.